By the grace of God

Last year in the matter of a few months apart our family (my sister and her husband) lost two precious babies.  Even though they were their babies, we are such a close family, we all went through a huge period of grief.  It was by far the most painful loss I had gone through and I could just imagine how they must have felt being even closer to the situation.  And it shook our families up pretty good.  It was a time of great sadness and questioning... We were all so excited because she would have been my first sister, besides myself, to have had a baby... and then we were left wondering why God? How could this be?  Their first baby went to heaven days before our other sister was getting married. It was suppose to be a time of gladness, and joy, and celebration. I had just had a baby a few months before and how my heart ached as I watched her hold my precious baby at the ceremony. Tears streamed down my face as I saw her smile at my sweet little baby in her arms while her womb, that just days before, concealed their precious baby in waiting...was now empty.  How I prayed for them. Then a few months went by and she became pregnant again, and we prayed everyday, God please give them a healthy baby, and yet this time she had no signs like the first time, no heartbeat the doctor told her... What?? How can this be we did everything right, hadn't our prayers been heard? Lord this isn't the answer we were looking for? Why God why? I don't understand. How can this be? Please Lord preform a miracle maybe the equipment wasn't working properly, maybe there had been a mistake, please check again before the dnc... silence. Another angel waiting to greet us in heaven.  My heart fell apart that night as I read her post on facebook earlier that morning... please don't take my sunshine away.  Oh how I grieved, she sang this to her baby everyday as a prayer to God... her post hit deeper than she could have ever known, because that is the song I sang constantly to my baby, Sadie girl after we found out she had CF... the same plea to God. Why was this happening, they are good people? I thanked God that they told us and hadn't kept the pregnancy a secret in fear something may go wrong, I was grateful they didn't have to walk through this grief alone.  She was much farther along things looked great... sometimes no matter what the answer may be to our questions, it wouldn't heal the brokenness you feel inside, I simply don't know why, but I choose to turn to the only one who could heal this hurt and put my trust in his timing.  For our ways are not your ways nor your plans our plans, Lord. No mother should have to say goodbye to their child, how can you even say goodbye when you've never met face to face? It doesn't matter... to a mom whether you've held that baby for a second or first saw the strip turn pink, you are a mother by heart and your planning and dreams start immediately.  As women we tend to plan and dream a bit more, although I watched as my sister's husband, feel his dreams of being a Daddy were slipping away.  He looked forward so much to that moment and had been dreaming about it for so long, I saw it in his eyes long before they conceived as he was around my children. I watched as my sister struggled with trying to come to terms that maybe I can never have a child... even though it's not fair we put a sense of guilt on ourselves: like maybe if I would have done this or had done that, like we can control or fix the problem, or did something to contribute to make the problem.  She was in the process of the doctors trying to figure out what may be causing the miscarriages and that's when,  by God's grace, He heard our prayers and answered our cries.  In September while she was waiting for her cycle so the doctors could run some tests, God intervened, and caused a miracle, one we now call Jaxson.  She found out she was pregnant, and this happened  a week after my other sister and husband announced they were expecting.  This my friends is God, only he could have planned to bless both of my sisters in LESS then two weeks apart with healthy baby BOYS!  It doesn't take away the loss of the other two babies... I hate the term lost... because I have no doubt in my mind that God knows right where those babies are and he's holding them near until the day, that those of us who have a relationship with Jesus, get to heaven and get to hold and see those precious babies for ourselves.  We may not have gotten the chance to lay our hands on them on this side of heaven, but rest assured we will be fighting over who gets to hold them when we walk through heaven's gates. God can use our ashes to make a beautiful story if we will allow ourselves to look past the pain and see the beauty that can come from heartache.  Never will you appreciate your family more than if you've almost lost it or have lost part of it. In those first few months of pregnancy I prayed that God would show himself to be the miracle maker and I praised him that the doctors would not get the credit for figuring out what only God knows why.  By his grace he answered our prayers... for His ways are not ours ways nor His plans our plans, but I trust in Him for this life will pass us by and I look forward to a time when there will be no more tears. We were created for eternity that's why it hurts so much when we lose loved ones, because we want more than this lifetime can ever offer us, we want eternity.   Someday I will meet those angels in heaven and kiss their faces as they welcome me home!