What defines true beauty?

Am I beautiful no matter what my size is?
That’s a question I’ve wrestled with ever since I had my first child. Thinking when I left the hospital, weighing 155, I was a monster of a size and felt like an obese person! That is a lie I seriously felt and believed, now seeing how ridiculous it sounds and now would give anything to return to that size. I never truly appreciated my size at 110, still wearing a baggy tee shirt over my bath suit for fear someone may see my true form. Now cringing when I hear someone carelessly telling me he’s a big guy around 200 lbs... knowing I’m on the upward side of 235. Wondering what words they use to describe me when I’m not in their presence? At the same time reminding myself that I truly feel bad for people when they see only size and not the true content of a person’s soul to define true worth or beauty. All the while still longing for something I never truly appreciated even when I had it. As if happiness can be found in a magical size most women wish they could be. If that is how I define beautiful then I’m in real trouble and so are the little lives I’m in charge of shaping. So many of us fall prey to our own insecurities and buy lies as truth. The world tricks us into thinking beauty is found in the youthful taut skin; causing many to seek forms to tighten or shrink problem areas. Or even more heartbreaking are the filter apps being used to cover what we may see as imperfections... causing many people to live behind a facade; thinking that the fake versions are prettier than the real version, wrinkles and all. Many fear looking at the scale let alone writing it down where others potentially may read and mock you. I find comfort in knowing the number doesn’t define my worth or my value, it is an indicator of my health and that is the reason I wrestle so much with its current predicament. I know that the number 236 doesn’t make my family or closest friends love me any less so why should that allow myself to hate the person staring back at me in the mirror? I know I have my critics and I’m sure some former classmates remember the skinny, anorexic girl from high school. Literally starving myself to play a part. Secretly hoping if I reached a desired size I would find love and acceptance I desperately desired. When seeing someone from my past I often want to beat their wondering minds to the chase and say “Hi I got off drugs and switched to food!” I wonder what the response would be? I do desperately want to get healthy again, but somewhere down the line I bought a lie that food was a source of comfort and would help me release some of my anxiety. Now I can have anxiety about being in line for a heart attack or stroke... sorry sarcasm runs rich in my family. Seriously though things like 43% body fat does scare me, so does the thought of  saying hey guys I’m going to try this healthy eating lifestyle again, because I fear failure as well. I literally need to look for a health plan designed for failures. After almost every attempt made to get healthy, they’re have been some successes, but nothing has been sustainable for me. I repeatedly cry out for God to remove this, does it mean God doesn’t answer prayer or I’ve done something, other than eat, to deserve this? Absolutely not. I believe God’s timing is perfect and there is something he wants to teach me in the struggle. So my hope in sharing my story is this... be kind to one another. You don’t know what people are struggling with or the weight of the burdens that may be resting on their shoulders. Instead of judging each other based on outward appearances, can we just start loving each other instead and pray that the breakthrough for whatever addiction or stronghold you may be facing would be broken in Jesus’ mighty name!!  I don’t hate myself or my size. I hate the addiction and the lie I chose to believe that some how I’d feel better or even safer in a food coma. Your stronghold or addiction may look different than mine but my hope is that you too will uncover the lies that lead you to take an unhealthy action or turn to an unhealthy coping method and that we may find the freedom that Christ died for us to have. And I’ll close with this my sweet friends whether you are walking in victory or still in bondage you are still perfectly loved and preciously chosen by the ONLY one whose opinions about you truly matters and will graciously forgive our biggest most horrible sins... JESUS. Cry out to him for salvation and he will never leave you or mock, you even if the whole world does.