Drowning in a sea of my deepest fears

Drowning in a sea of my deepest fears.
Being a parent now a days is tough. There are so many things we can choose to worry about, bullying, the heroin epidemic, disease outbreaks, do vaccines help do they kill, school shootings, terrorism... the list is endless. Couple that with having a child with an incurable disease you have a recipe for a war with anxiety that tried to destroy me. However, this mama is not going to let that win in my life. It tried and many times stole my peace and robbed me of my joy. For the past 6 years the war was raging within sometimes almost to the point of literally feeling paralyzed. I’ve had my entire body go numb where I felt unable to move frozen literally in my fears. I’ve had my heartbeat so fast I thought I was having a heart attack. I’ve shook uncontrollably as though I was freezing to death. I’ve had moments where I was at complete peace and then one second later, literally had fear rush in like a flood it took my breath away and I thought my knees would give out. I have had a fake smile, a brave smile... the one that fools everyone around me into thinking she has it all together, when really my world was literally coming undone. I’ve felt like a small child curled up in a corner needing a father to swoop in and say, hush child it’s okay, everything is going to be okay.

A turning point: Needing a miracle...
When Sadie was first diagnosed (9 years ago)with CF, I’d pray over her for a miracle and one night as I was praying God tenderly and compassionately spoke to my heart and said, “You pray more about her physical healing than you do for her salvation, which will last longer?” You see I do believe God can heal, but the point he was showing me is all of our bodies will eventually give out... however, salvation, that will last for all of eternity!
I was at a bible study about 2 years ago and Carol had said if you could ask God for any miracle, what would it be? Instantly I thought of Sadie’s Cystic Fibrosis, but as I prayed for God to show me what I should ask for... he spoke to my heart and said I need to be set free from fear and to trust him. You see there will always be something to be afraid of, but when we learn to trust God and his promises and put our hope that someday all this shall pass and start living for eternity everything else will not have as strong of a hold on your heart. Most of the things I worry about, I really have no power over, most of the things I fear may happen have not happened. I needed to learn to trust that God has a plan and he will work all things together for good for those who love him and are called according to his purpose. It doesn’t mean everything that happens will feel good, just like working out... it hurts in the beginning but as your muscles develop you get stronger and have more endurance and it produces great physical health. We too are being strengthened by God to be in great spiritual health.
Life is still messy, it’s still so unpredictable and frightening. So much of it, is out of my hands to fix, make better, or control but God still is in complete control, that gives my heart peace. Sadie’s health is something I constantly worried about how to keep her safe and protected. To put it in terms most people can relate to, Do you buckle your kids in the car or just say what will be will be? We all try to some degree to protect our kids whether it be their health, or their safety, or sometimes both. I knew God has every single day of her life written and recorded before one of them even came to be. I knew for who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life! I trusted that God has plans for Sadie’s future not to harm her but to prosper her and give her hope and a purpose for her future. Yet what I struggled with is, Lord how much are we as parents, supposed to guard and protect and keep safe? Where is the line of God has our children in his safety and our responsibilities as parents supposed to meet? Lord I know you are the keeper of all of my children’s days, help me to know my role.

The battle that lead me to surrender: Worn out, beat down and exhausted.
I had a dream last spring that woke me up in a panic. In my dream Sadie was at a playground having the time of her life playing with a little girl. They were sharing a drink and the little girl had a coughing spell and her mother turned to me and shared this little girl had CF. I awoke in an absolute panic.  You see Cf patients can carry a bacteria that is only harmful to other cf patients. God used that dream to open my eyes to the fact that I cannot do for Sadie what only he can do. I was trying to be her protector, even a savior so to speak and ONLY HE himself can do that job. I can’t no matter how much I want to protect her from a unseen future, but God knows her future and the future of all my children. I have to trust his flawless love for them will lead them and guide them and that he has them in his care just as he has me in his care.
My surrender:
I seen a Beth Moore teaching on Anxiety and she said the thing you fear the most is the thing you trust God with the least. Sometimes we have some area in our lives we just feel like, “I don’t know if you’ll get this one thing right in my life Lord.” Ouch that hurts. I needed to learn what trusting God completely looks like and trust that he loves my kids more completely than I ever could. And as painful as this life can be it’s fleeting and passes us by ever so quickly. The pain and suffering we endure here in this lifetime will cease to exist in our next life in heaven.
Victory in Christ:
I remember saying to my friend I want freedom from this battle, I don’t want to take anxiety medicine and mask the symptoms or make me numb or despondent. I want to get to the heart of the issue and dig the root out, not only for my freedom but so my kids can walk out their lives in victory in this area of captivity as well. For me the battle was so much more than just for my own freedom... I want my kids set free as well. I want them to be brave and bold and go where ever God calls them to go and to serve him fearlessly. I want them to be mighty warrriors, not defined by their struggles in life but strengthened by the victories God gives to them. I want them to know beyond a shadow of a doubt I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength! Through Christ they will be victorious.
The key to this change of heart and mindset...
First talk about it, it sheds light on the dark areas and sets you free. Meeting with my pastor and close godly Council to pray was a huge turning point. Asking close Christian friends to pray for me. Using God’s word to take every thought captive and aligning it with the word of God was a game changer. Verses like For God does not give us a spirit of fear but of power, of love, and a sound mind. Became weapons of warfare. Keeping a close check on my thoughts was key to winning the war! Any time a thought enters in if it is fear provoking I surrender it immediately to the authority of God and say to myself “My God is in control and I trust in him!” Stepping out of the boat in the sea of my fears and watching as God parts the waters before me has made me feel free again. I am forever grateful. I often wondered what would be worse my battle with depression or anxiety? It was by far worse struggling with anxiety. My battle with depression in my late teens and early twenties was more to do with myself and my self worth. My battle with anxiety was fearing for my kids safety and protection, and as any mama would agree we’d do anything for our kids, so that was by far a harder struggle. Trusting their lives, their futures, their salvation in the only one that can keep them protected has been the most freeing decision I have ever made. Believing in God’s promises had been key to my freedom from my captivity to fear.