To us it was just a spoon

 To us it was just a spoon…

Over the years we often joke as a family how much mom seemed attached to certain things, especially her Tupperware! Lord forbid if we forget to return a bowl. Recently she asked Jesse for her “Potato Salad” spoon back. Good grief I thought I don’t even know what it looks like, as we rummaged through ours looking for one that was out of place, all the while I was secretly wishing she wouldn’t leave things behind because so often with the kids doing dishes as chores I can’t find certain things. Thankfully Jesse knew… he pays attention to such minor details and he found it for her. When we returned it she was so appreciative and told us the story behind it. She had been visiting her mother, and she commented boy that’s a nice spoon Ma… to which her mother responded you like, you can have it. You need a good sturdy spoon for potato salad. I cry just typing that out. You see us is it was just a spoon but to her it was a memory of her mother’s unfailing love attached to that spoon. She said to us… that’s just who my mom was, she didn’t have much but she’d still be willing to give to us and show us how much she loved us. 

I’m so thankful my mom is the same exact way. Whenever I give her money to buy something for herself… 9 times out of 10 she’s getting something for someone else. We may not always understand her when she’s being difficult but she’s been through so much loss and heartache so the next time I think, “ Gosh it’s just a spoon.”  I hope I remember this beautiful story attached to the spoon itself.

Not everyone is going to like you... and that’s okay

 I read this the other day... “What 3 words of advice would you give to your 18 year old self?” It really stirred my heart as my mind grasped at different bits of wisdom I’ve learned over the years, and while it could never be summed up into 3 measly words, a sound bit of advice I wish I would have understood back then is this...  Not everyone is going to like you, and that’s okay.  As I pen these words my mind thinks of all the time I spent chasing after the wrong relationships. All the time I wasted trying to get the approval of people that didn’t even like themselves. All the times I bent my own standards and tried to become something for someone and pretending to be someone I was never supposed to be. I cringe at some of the memories at best and at worst, I want to crawl under a rock or burry my head in the sand over way too many I’d care to share. Not because I’m embarrassed but because I deserved more. The fact of the matter is I just haven’t been everyone’s cup of tea, I’ve been too loud for some, too upfront and confrontational, too sarcastic, too over-the-top, not smart enough for others, not worthy enough for many, not cool enough, too much of a Christian or not Christian enough, and one of my least favorites is too hurtful... the saying is true wounded people hurt people and I definitely fit into that category. The list could go on but I think you catch my drift. And while I may have severely struggled in the area of people pleasing what I failed to see was the ones I so desperately wanted to fit in with, and find acceptance from... were never worth the time and energy. I had an easy time “winning” them as temporary friends, as  people pleasers often do, however what I failed to see is that they were fair weathered relationships, ones that when I suited their standards well enough, or offered willingly what they wanted they were by my side. However, when life got hard or I ran out of the energy to play their games, they hit the road. One sided relationships are draining and emotionally scaring and I wish I had not wasted so much time chasing after people I couldn’t be my real self around. The friends and relationships that have stood the test of time, that love me for me whether I’m funny, annoying, bitchy or somewhere in between... those are the true treasures. They are my true gems. I’m so thankful for those relationships, for the years of love and support. I read a quote years ago and have treasured it ever since... not everyone is going to like me... that’s okay not everyone matters. I’m thankful for the lessons I’ve learned over the years, and I freely share this wisdom with my kids because at the end of the day I’d rather have a few trusted friends that are raw, real, trusted, and honest then be apart of a pack of vicious wolves that attack and quarrel among themselves to be the alpha among each other. 

Why God? Jesus help us see you in the darkness

 When life hurts... I write... so here it goes. Sometimes no matter how much we want things to go a particular way, no matter how much we plead, cry, and try our best to do the “Right Things” to earn unmerited favor... we are left shaken and devastated when our prayers are not answered the way we hoped. Even though we knew the answer that lies in the foreshadow was not the one were longing to hear. We are left shattered and broken. And the resounding, “ Why God,” echos in our souls at a deafening decimal. Why not this miracle, why not this answered prayer... why God? I don’t understand, how sometimes evil seems to come out ahead, why sometimes death triumphs over life, why the innocent are lost between the cracks and wrongs go unpunished, why abuse remains instead of healing. Why God? This week I watched a friend lose a piece of her soul, as our system failed us once again. I watched as she loss someone she was the voice of protection for,  an unsung hero that had her hands tied and was given no other option but to surrender to something beyond her control... it’s just not fair. I waited for the hour to strike when she would be laying her Isaac on the alter, knowing all too well that same feeling. Desperately pleading please provide another way, on my knees, with eyes burning from tears, lifting her up and crying out God show us another way. And yet I hear him whisper, I know it’s not fair, but I understand... I had to give up my son too. The enemy thought it was the final blow and the victory was his... however it was the exact thing that needed to happen for what was to proceed next. What looked like an end was actually the path leading to victory. I know you can’t see it now, you’re too close to the pain. I know things looked so dark in that tomb, where my son was laid but you see I knew something they didn’t. So trust me with this, I’m working all things together for good, the story isn’t over. Rest your weary souls in me. Allow my peace that surpasses all understanding to wrap around you like a security blanket tightly woven around your fragile hearts. Trust and see I will make all things new. Death has lost its sting, just cling tightly to me.

Thy Will Be Done

 My heart is torn and broken over a situation I am absolutely helpless to change. I’m filled with anguish and frustration knowing how truly unfair life can be sometimes. I’m devastated at the potential loss that lies in the foreshadow of a sweet friend, a loss that has the potential to squeeze every ounce of compassion from their heart and turn it to stone... Lord I pray this will not be the case because there is too much beauty there to be consumed with bitterness. When the enemy comes to attack he does so viciously, and strategically... trying to maliciously squeeze every ounce of goodness from a person’s soul for he knows all good things come from the Father, but my hearts cries out on her behalf let all the good they did accomplish, not be done in vain, Lord for we know it was for a greater purpose, than our limited eyes can see. Lord this insurmountable mountain that is set before us is but a stepping stone to you. Send your angels to guard, shield, and protect.  Allow us to see YOU in the fiery flames of the furnace, so that we will not be scorched.  Allow us to see your outstretched arm so the sea will not consume us. Cover us with your wings of protection as we usher these words... not our will Father, but your will be done. This thing is far too heavy for us to shoulder alone, flood our hearts with your peace. You know our hearts in this matter, you know the tears we lament in anguish, frustration, and yes even hopelessness.  Yet we know your words are tested and true... You will work all things together for good, for those who love you and are called according to your purpose. And we trust in you. Great is your faithfulness, Oh Lord, no matter the outcome may we praise your Holy name. Amen.

We Are Called To Love

 This thought will be challenging for some but I’m always up for opportunities to grow and see things differently. 

Years ago when I first became a Christian and I wanted everyone else in my life to know the freedom I found in Christ and for them to know it too for themselves, I still do, however my approach has changed a lot over the years. I still yearn for those I love to love Jesus too and to acknowledge their own sin and need for the only one that can truly bear the weight of this world and set us feee from our own recklessness. I still in a heartbeat don’t think twice about telling people my story and sharing intimate details of my personal past in hopes someone might see the hope I found, I also have found over the years that sometimes what people need more than a message is a friend with a listening ear. A friend that is willing to put doctrines aside and to see THEM and to know them, the way only Jesus does.  God has given me a gift to see past their shortcomings and to see the person behind the mess. Now this isn’t to be confused with not setting healthy boundaries for ourselves, I absolutely struggled in this area. We don’t need to accept abuse and call it love or tolerate mistreatment from others and call it tolerance. I’ve absolutely walked away from some very unhealthy relationships in my past and never looked back, I still pray for them and truly want what’s best for them, however I realized it wasn’t my job to fix it... only Jesus can do that. With that disclaimer being said let’s move forward. It always amazes me at how many people turn away from others because they don’t think or believe the way they do. They don’t have the same political views, they don’t have the same religious views, they don’t worship the same way, they are too bound by sin, they’re way too free and expressive, they don’t have the same gender views, they don’t live a lifestyle I approve of or one God “approves of”, she’s a woman and he’s a man they have different roles in the church, in life, in the world, she’s too much of a feminist, or they’re too liberal... I think you get the point as the list of differences is endless. I felt God speaking to my heart News flash for you... it’s ok to walk with sinners your salvation isn’t dependent on their right actions. Your salvation isn’t hinged on how many people you convert to think and believe the way you do. We weren’t called to be the “Judge” we were called to love. Now I’m not saying we should all make our own rules and live to our own standards and choose our own disastrous ways, however what I am saying is God knows the why behind the brokenness, he knows the hurt that leads some people to make atrocious decisions, he knows why so and so continually lives a life in the pit instead of being the prodigal that returns and eats at the table. If only we could see past that speck of sawdust and instead focus on our own planks, in our eyes, we’d love more like he loves. You see my sweet friends I was among the sick that Jesus came to make well. I was the one lost and wondering (I still get off track and stumble) and yet I hear his voice calling me back to him. I didn’t need someone telling me all the ways I’m a train wreck, I didn’t need some to show me all the ways I missed the mark, deep down I knew. I needed someone that showed me the unconditional love that only Christ offers. We can try our best to love others, but we’re human and will ultimately fail miserably, even in our best efforts, somewhere along the line we will miss the mark, and leave those we dearly love with unmet expectations, because we’re flawed and human too. Our job isn’t to be a false savior to broken people, our job is to love them and point them to the one true savior and God will call them to him when the time is right for that particular person. He sees the bigger picture and he loves us despite of our failures and shortcomings, he loves us even when we reject his ways and walk in sin. That my friends is what unconditional love truly looks like. Sometimes we ourselves don’t even understand our own foolishness, how then do we expect to understand someone else’s? Only Jesus can. So don’t be afraid to love someone who doesn’t think or believe like you do, don’t be afraid to share your hope, but make sure love is the motivation. Go out and spread the gospel and if necessary use words. Francis of Assisi~