If I could turn back time...

If I could turn back time…

My heart is heavy with the news of my favorite actor passing away, Robin Williams. I am not saddened by the fact that he was a famous actor who will be missed, I am saddened because even though I did not know him personally he had a profound impact on my life and filled many of my memories with laughter. Even though he did not know me he added so much joy to my life on many occasions through his comedy, and how many lines of his I have used and quoted over the years.  How my heart ached yesterday with the news of his suicide, I thought, please let this be a horrific rumor… oh Robin how I wish I could have told you how valuable you were.  No one knows the struggles a person faces daily, or why some choose to end their own lives. Where is the hope that lies in this God, I cried out, why, I don’t understand why does life have to be so hard?? While I do not know the answers I do know that there is a war between good and evil, and while it may look like Satan wins some battles, Jesus has won the war.  While it may look like death may have defeated a person’s life I have a savior that rose again and understands better than any human can the battles that wage within a person, a savior that is willing to rescue us at any given moment when we cry out to him, even if it’s in our dying breaths. How I wish I could turn back time and had the chance to tell Robin of this hope, that there is savior that loves us in spite of all our shortcomings and failures, that nothing we can do can separate us from his love.  Anyone who has ever lost a loved one this way probably all wished they could turn back time and reassure their loved one of how very much they loved them, how they meant the world to them, how they’d give ANYTHING to have them here again.  Where is the hope, when all seems hopeless? God reminded me of one of my favorite bible lessons, the criminal on the cross found in Luke 23. I believe this is there to teach us that Jesus is our hope in what may seem to be a hopeless situation. Jesus is on the cross and two criminals are beside him, the one who is essentially hanging there dying cries out to Jesus for salvation and how did Jesus respond?? Not... oh if only you were baptized I could have saved you, not... if only you’d come to me sooner I could have saved you, not... if only you would have been a better person I could have saved you...NO! My dear friends when this man used his dying breaths to cry out for his savior Christ responded in verse 43…you will be with me in paradise. So my hope is you don’t know what happens in a person last minutes of life, did they cry out for their savior to rescue them, was it out loud or in their hearts?  I do know, it is not my place to pass judgment on something I cannot understand...someone else’s battle, and neither is it yours. Does suicide make someone a weak person, or a coward, I don’t think so I think it means they were broken and tried desperately to fix themselves with the only means they could understand at that time. We all do things without fully understanding the full effect it may have, and the struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts is a stronger battle than anyone who has not had this battle could ever understand…and just because you are a Christian does not make you exempt from the battle, no in fact Satan fights even harder to bring you down. I think a person like Robin who had a gift to bring joy to others would probably be attacked even more so because Satan can’t stand joy. To anyone who struggles with depression I’d say this, talk about it, share it with others, the more you shed light on the subject the freer you will be, seek the help of a counselor, a pastor, a mentor… it’s okay to get help, to admit our weaknesses. Learn scripture verses and reprogram your mind through the healing word of God. Don’t hide your depression  inside or deny it is there, know you are loved and valued, there is no one else like you and no one else could ever replace you… and no matter how much you have blown it God loves and uses broken people to have a huge impact and he loves you just the way you are.  There is no sin that can separate us from his love and forgiveness. So if I could turn back time I’d remind him of these things. Anyone who is depressed seek help, don't wait, there are many who love you, write down 100 things that you love about yourself, that you are grateful for... I heard this yesterday and loved it: One day a paper will say today I died, Don't believe that for a moment for on that day I will be more alive than I have ever been in this life. ~D. Moody

I have this hope because of Jesus and you can too.

The roads we travel tell a story

The roads in which we travel, tell a lot of why people act the way we do.  The direction we choose to walk, the places we choose to linger, the people who pass through our lives all make up the stories of our lives. Each has a purpose, and serve as a reminder of where we’ve been and who we are today. Our pasts even they we may not see some of the beauty in the choices that we’ve made, have the potential to be used by God as a mighty lesson for the future and have the power to be used for good no matter how bad it may seem at the time.  My story is just a snapshot in the passage of time. Not so long ago my husband and I want another child. We loved Jesse so much and seen how fast time with him was passing us by as he grew way too quickly.  I had 4 sisters that meant the world to me so I always wanted him to have a sibling.  We were young and thought we could plan our lives the way we wanted. My thoughts were I will have another baby in 1 ½ years (since this is the space between me and my next sister).  Jesse was a complete surprise to us so I thought nothing of getting pregnant again, however for 7 years nothing happened. It was a little family joke that I should buy stock in the pregnancy test company because of how often I thought maybe this month, only to be brokenhearted that once again my womb was barren. I was crushed by this, as if I had some control over the matter or could do something about it.  How many times I cried when I’d tell Ray, no not this month. How hard it was to hear our son pray to God for another baby.  I’d cry out to God in anger and frustration… “God I don’t understand, why do you give children to all these people that don’t appreciate them, we love you Lord, we love Jesse and raise him to love you, I just don’t understand.” You see when you are young you think life is in your control, you make the plans, you call the shots… but God was teaching me a valuable lesson, he was in control and can use all things to work for His good and glory. About the time I surrendered to the fact that Jesse would be an only child, God did something amazing in my heart.  Through my own pain, I seen a great need, there were many children in our area that needed to be shown love and acceptance, and shown that God loves them. Ray and I started an after school kids club at our church on Fridays.  We found that by showing them the love of Jesus we could be parent like figures to hurting kids. I will never forget one such girl who touched my heart so deeply.  I do not know all the details but I know she had a rough time, and even though she had a hard life her heart was so full of love.   She had a smile that could light up a room, and spirit full of giving and sacrifice.  Even though she was not my child, I loved her deeply.  Many times she’d stay with us over the course of the next couple of years. She got along so well in our family and was a great play mate for Jesse. God used her in our lives to see a great need in others, and since we could not have another child we decided to foster children and adopt… that was the plan anyways, but yet again things changed.  After 7 years of trying I found out I was pregnant. How excited we were, a baby girl… beautiful and perfect. How our hearts sang, we named her Sadie Grace… grace meaning gift from God. She was precious… 3 month went by and we found out she had cystic fibrosis (what the medical world likes to label as a disease with a shortened life expectancy) oh how little do they know, many in the medical world have not had the pleasure of meeting my God!  You see in medical terms CF is a genetic mutation (a mishap so to speak) but my God makes no mistake when he formed Sadie in my womb he did it just the way he had planned, perfectly not flawed.  My God knows the plans he has for each of his children, there are no premature deaths or shortened lives, he has a detailed plan that try as we may we cannot alter or change. No label will ever have the pleasure of taking our lives one day, one hour, one minute, one second before God has determined it to be so. Matthew Ch. 6: 27 says who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your days?  I love the passage in John 9:1-3 it says… As Jesus passed by, He saw a man blind from birth.  And His disciples asked Him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?”  Jesus answered, “It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him. 

God was teaching and preparing my heart in those 7 years, to show me that His ways are not my ways nor his plans my plans.  He was showing me, he was in control of it all. Time passed by and that sweet little girl friend requested me on facebook, she told me of her father’s passing and she was now in foster care.  I had just read a wonderful book on the story of adoption by Mary Beth Chapman called Choosing to See, and Ray and I decided to try and adopt her. We had the mindset that if it was God’s will it would go through but if not than at least she would know that somebody wanted her and loved her.  The lawyer told us that she was not able to be adopted, yet another plan that did not turn out the way we hoped.  I would love to share a wonderful story someone told me about her when we in the process of trying to adopt her, that paints a beautiful picture of what the love of God is like. One of my partners at my store had her for a student and she said for Christmas that year wrapped underneath their classroom tree was her baby doll and to this year she still brings the baby out at Christmas and puts it under her tree.  This loving little girl, who had a heart for God, gave something that meant a lot to her… just as God gave His son for us so that we may live. She touched our lives and hearts and we were so blessed to have known and loved her for that season in our lives.  She has turned into a beautiful young woman, who I cannot believe is graduating this year, and even though we may not be as close as we were all those years ago I pray for God’s blessings in her life and that she may always know how much we still love and care for her. I know God will use all her hurts and heal them and glorify his name to help heal others who have had a hard life. She will have the ability to reach many hurting people and she shares her story. God gives us a story to share, don’t be afraid to share yours and reach out to others, you never know who may need to hear your story to help them get through their own.

Can broken marriages be restored??

So many marriages and relationships are falling apart it breaks my heart to see families split up. These words are from a casting crowns song and as I was listening to it I thought I should share them, we live in a world surrounded by temptations and lies... people who work endless hours to give their families a "better" life, and families torn apart by concealed addictions like pornography. Husbands (boyfriends) honor your wives/ girlfriends, pornography is NOT some harmless; behind closed doors activity... it destroys homes and tears families apart, it is a doorway that leaves you feeling unsatisfied and looking for something else beyond what you have been blessed with. It is disrespectful and shameful...imagine if that was your daughter posing for your friends. It is NOT okay, we have to guard our relationships or they fall apart. And girls don't support bad behavior saying it's ok, it's normal... teach your sons better, watch the kinds of movies that are wholesome, because it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow!
************************
A corner office was his dream
More like a prison now it seems
Somewhere on the corporate climb
He left his warrior behind
Now hes just a worker at a daily grind
Steals his years and numbs his mind
His strength is fading, his dreams are blind
This is not the life he had in mind

She lies awake cause hes up all night
Staring at a screen that tells him lies
That the grass is greener on the other side
So shes at the gym fighting off the years
To be young again and calm her fears
That shell never be enough for him
Just as a young man catches her eye

Now they're trapped in their own worlds, in their own wars
With their cell phones and the closed doors
Its funny how quiet and peaceful that it seems
But they're all alone together
In the house of their dreams...

**************************

One reason I love the movie Fireproof so much is because they attack the issue of pornography and its effect on a relationship... they show how addicting it is, how easily you can hide it, and how destructive it is! I think too many people have a mindset that says, "It's no big deal, it's not real, they are just images on a screen, not an actual person you will ever meet"... but battles are fought... and lost in the mind, never under estimate the power our mind has... our thoughts become actions and we need to protect our minds from all things destructive. For men the struggle mainly lies in what they see, for women we are more emotional and so our struggles come in the form of what we hear. It's easy to be lead astray by sweet words such as, I know just how you feel, my wife doesn't appreciate me either. Beware in times of marital distress who you turn to for comfort... men should not be seeking help from other women, and women should not be looking for comfort from another man, it's a set-up for trouble.  A little while ago I had a guy tell me about his marriage troubles, every time he'd finish (for WEEKS), I'd say the same thing...you need to go home and tell your wife these things because talking about them to other people isn't going to change your situation at home. She needs to know what is going on other wise things will never change. After WEEKS of telling him this he stopped coming into my store. Why?? hopefully because things at home changed for the better (I don't know) BUT also because I refused to play the poor you card, you seem like a nice guy why doesn't she appreciate you, type of responses he was looking for. Instead I spoke the truth to him, telling other people your problems doesn't change what's happening at home. You need to communicate your needs, wants, desires... to YOUR SPOUSE, they are not mind readers, communication is key to a good relationship.

 

Broken marriages affect more than just the adults involved... it tears kids up, no matter how old they are, and leaves them feeling like some how it was their fault. I was 25 when my parents divorced, even as an adult I remember how painful it was, watching my sisters spend weekends between two homes, my Dad being alone 85% of the time, coming home to emptiness. The first holidays that we spent divided were very painful, like choosing sides between parents... inviting my Dad over to spend the night Christmas Eve so he wouldn't wake up alone Christmas morning. The pain of even coming across old pictures of the two of them together, happy... watching 26 years of love go down the drain... I remember towards the end of their marriage when the fights became more frequent and I wished they'd divorce because I thought it would make things better, oh how wrong I was. I had no idea how much pain it would cause, hearing them talk about each other as if love never even existed, words are often more painful than actions. Seeing selfishness and greed ravish through a home that was once filled with love and laughter. Explaining to a little child that they really didn't mean the hurtful things they said. We are blessed now, after the initial pain wore off my parents have a very unique divorce... we do holidays and family dinners together weekly, neither one has dated in the past 8 years since the divorce. Even though things for us have a new kind of normal... I came across an old card the other day... love mom and Dad it said, I felt sad and longed for that time in my life again.
******* House of Their Dreams Casting Crowns*******
Little sister, she's a sixteen-year-old princess
Lost somewhere between the swing set
And her brand new crush's chariot awaits
And big brother's rooms glowing with trophies that shout his name
But he'd trade all his high school fame
For some backyard catch with his hero again
But they're trapped in their own worlds, in their own wars
With their cell phones and the closed doors
It's funny how quiet and peaceful that it seems
But they're all alone together
In the house of their dreams
***********************************
So what went wrong with my parents marriage?
They left an important part out, they failed to build their house on the rock of Christ....   even though they both knew God he wasn't the center of their marriage.
******************** the turning point in the song and hope for restoration*****
So now they're all dressed up in Sunday best
Sit up straight just like the rest
And they sing the songs of peace and rest that Jesus freely gives
And then their kids look up as daddy stands
And he takes his bride with trembling hands
Brother kneels at his father's side as princess looks in the mother's eyes
Their tears tear down the walls as daddy prays
We're trapped in our own worlds and our own wars
With our cell phones and our closed doors
God, only You can save our family
And on this Rock, we'll build
On this Rock, we'll build
The house of our dreams
*******************************
Do I believe in restored marriages? Yes, but you have to remain rooted in Christ, and keep your armor on... lots of Christian marriages fall apart sadly everyday, being a Christian doesn't make you exempt from temptations, in fact sometimes we are attacked even stronger, cause Satan loves brokenness. He loves to see love turn to hate, and roots of bitterness to wrap around Christian's and choke the love out of their lives for other people they once held dear. Also a failed misconception about Christians.... we are not perfect, we make mistakes, we have just as much power to hurt the ones we love, we are still sinners trying our hardest to let God improve our lives a little day by day, while being patient in the process. We may even back slide into old destructive patterns, the difference though, God's mercy and his forgiveness in our lives makes it possible to forgive the impossible, and restore what otherwise would be tossed away as broken. He fuses love and broken people back together with a renewed strength that is almost indestructible. What God has joined together let no man (or woman) separate. That glue makes all the difference.

By the grace of God

Last year in the matter of a few months apart our family (my sister and her husband) lost two precious babies.  Even though they were their babies, we are such a close family, we all went through a huge period of grief.  It was by far the most painful loss I had gone through and I could just imagine how they must have felt being even closer to the situation.  And it shook our families up pretty good.  It was a time of great sadness and questioning... We were all so excited because she would have been my first sister, besides myself, to have had a baby... and then we were left wondering why God? How could this be?  Their first baby went to heaven days before our other sister was getting married. It was suppose to be a time of gladness, and joy, and celebration. I had just had a baby a few months before and how my heart ached as I watched her hold my precious baby at the ceremony. Tears streamed down my face as I saw her smile at my sweet little baby in her arms while her womb, that just days before, concealed their precious baby in waiting...was now empty.  How I prayed for them. Then a few months went by and she became pregnant again, and we prayed everyday, God please give them a healthy baby, and yet this time she had no signs like the first time, no heartbeat the doctor told her... What?? How can this be we did everything right, hadn't our prayers been heard? Lord this isn't the answer we were looking for? Why God why? I don't understand. How can this be? Please Lord preform a miracle maybe the equipment wasn't working properly, maybe there had been a mistake, please check again before the dnc... silence. Another angel waiting to greet us in heaven.  My heart fell apart that night as I read her post on facebook earlier that morning... please don't take my sunshine away.  Oh how I grieved, she sang this to her baby everyday as a prayer to God... her post hit deeper than she could have ever known, because that is the song I sang constantly to my baby, Sadie girl after we found out she had CF... the same plea to God. Why was this happening, they are good people? I thanked God that they told us and hadn't kept the pregnancy a secret in fear something may go wrong, I was grateful they didn't have to walk through this grief alone.  She was much farther along things looked great... sometimes no matter what the answer may be to our questions, it wouldn't heal the brokenness you feel inside, I simply don't know why, but I choose to turn to the only one who could heal this hurt and put my trust in his timing.  For our ways are not your ways nor your plans our plans, Lord. No mother should have to say goodbye to their child, how can you even say goodbye when you've never met face to face? It doesn't matter... to a mom whether you've held that baby for a second or first saw the strip turn pink, you are a mother by heart and your planning and dreams start immediately.  As women we tend to plan and dream a bit more, although I watched as my sister's husband, feel his dreams of being a Daddy were slipping away.  He looked forward so much to that moment and had been dreaming about it for so long, I saw it in his eyes long before they conceived as he was around my children. I watched as my sister struggled with trying to come to terms that maybe I can never have a child... even though it's not fair we put a sense of guilt on ourselves: like maybe if I would have done this or had done that, like we can control or fix the problem, or did something to contribute to make the problem.  She was in the process of the doctors trying to figure out what may be causing the miscarriages and that's when,  by God's grace, He heard our prayers and answered our cries.  In September while she was waiting for her cycle so the doctors could run some tests, God intervened, and caused a miracle, one we now call Jaxson.  She found out she was pregnant, and this happened  a week after my other sister and husband announced they were expecting.  This my friends is God, only he could have planned to bless both of my sisters in LESS then two weeks apart with healthy baby BOYS!  It doesn't take away the loss of the other two babies... I hate the term lost... because I have no doubt in my mind that God knows right where those babies are and he's holding them near until the day, that those of us who have a relationship with Jesus, get to heaven and get to hold and see those precious babies for ourselves.  We may not have gotten the chance to lay our hands on them on this side of heaven, but rest assured we will be fighting over who gets to hold them when we walk through heaven's gates. God can use our ashes to make a beautiful story if we will allow ourselves to look past the pain and see the beauty that can come from heartache.  Never will you appreciate your family more than if you've almost lost it or have lost part of it. In those first few months of pregnancy I prayed that God would show himself to be the miracle maker and I praised him that the doctors would not get the credit for figuring out what only God knows why.  By his grace he answered our prayers... for His ways are not ours ways nor His plans our plans, but I trust in Him for this life will pass us by and I look forward to a time when there will be no more tears. We were created for eternity that's why it hurts so much when we lose loved ones, because we want more than this lifetime can ever offer us, we want eternity.   Someday I will meet those angels in heaven and kiss their faces as they welcome me home!

Shattered, but not without hope

Shattered, but not without hope...

Love has a way of stretching our hearts to the point it HURTS and a way of uniting us to others to show us we don't have to walk alone.  I thank the Sauer's for allowing me and thousands of others, to fall in love with Ben, to cry along side them on this difficult road, to pray for their beautiful son... literally as though he were my own, my heart ached as though I was watching one of my own beautiful babies draw closer to the day when Jesus would call them home.  My heart shattered into a million pieces as I read Mindy's precious blogs and sensed God had better plans for Ben than this world could ever offer him... a HEALING that would far exceed the 70+ earthly years, but one that would last an eternity! What greater joy than to know that sweet Ben walks with Jesus?  Ben is at home... this world is not our home, always remember we were created more than this life can ever offer us.  We were created for eternity, that's why it hurts so bad to lose loved ones, because our hearts want MORE than a lifetime can offer us, we want ETERNITY... and in Christ Jesus he offers us that kind of hope, when we put our trust in him to remove our sins and to save us from a life of eternal separation from him, when we ask him into our lives and have a personal relationship with him.  I feel so blessed to have been able to fall in love with Ben, to have my heart stretched in love and faith like it has never been stretched before!  I hate when I hear the terms like "he lost his battle" No! in Christ there are NO lost battles, there are no premature deaths, God had a plan to use dear sweet Ben's life to reach and circumcise Millions of hearts, to penetrate and open up Millions of lives all over the world to feel a love so deep and to pray for him as if we all knew him.  That is LOVE, to love a stranger as if we know him.  God DID heal Ben in a far better way than our human minds can understand.  My friend's Ben's life was not without purpose nor will his earthly death be without purpose. God used Ben's life to fulfill HIS purpose, one that will far exceed his 5 short years on earth, one that is bigger than you and I can see in the here and now.  Our minds are not big enough to understand, how is it that something beautiful can come out of something so tragic?  All we see is a lump of clay, it looks hopeless and lifeless, but to the potter he sees the beautiful creation in his mind from start to finish. He knows and has it in his control to shape his creation as he has planned to make a beautiful masterpiece, a one of a kind work of art.
    The world may see it as a lost battle to cancer, but let me share with you part of what I wrote in my daughter's baby book, she is 5 and at the age of 3 months was diagnosed with the chronic illness, cystic fibrosis.  I wrote: Although you have a chronic illness all that means to me is...
-we all do it's called death for most of us, others have a name attached to it such as cancer, but no one is promised tomorrow, God has a plan and is in control of it all, there is more to life than the here and now after all life is ultimately about eternal life; not earthly life, so make the most of each day and love the ones you are with.  I wrote this not only to her but also to me as a reminder of the truths I had come to learn and believe in the bible. One I hold dear is John 14:6 Jesus said I am the way, the truth, and the life, no one comes to the Father except through me.  (Jesus gave this promise to those who put their faith in him that we have hope that there is life beyond this one, and Jesus was the key to this life.) And there is another one I cling to, Romans 8:28 And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  (This does not mean that all things that happen to us will be or even feel good, but that God is capable of using even the bad to be worked out and be used for His good.) Death does not have the final call here, it was defeated on the cross by Jesus once and for all.  I am looking forward to meeting Ben, an amazing miracle, one day face to face...in a place where there is no more sickness and death has been defeated.  I thank-you God for the promise of eternal life. Amen.

why I am who I am

For anyone who has ever struggled with finding value in yourself, struggled with depression , and has had an addictive behavior... there is hope.  I have overcome the ill effects of trying every earthly possible solution and coping method to deal with issues that could have  had the potential to ruin my life, and yet it wasn't until I renewed my mind with the word of God and developed a personal relationship with Christ that I was able to be set free from depression. You see for years I wanted a pill to solve my problems and make me feel numb to the amount of pain I had in my heart some of which  I didn't even know how to deal with, and some of which I didn't even know was hidden within.  I had years of abuse that my psychologist  labeled as a tormented childhood, but I wasn't satisfied in using my label as an excuse, I longed for freedom not a cover-up in the form of a pill that would make me numb or a label that would give me an excuse for behavior I knew was destructive. It was not until I started attending Beth Moore's bible study Breaking Free that I found the answer in the form of a personal savior, Jesus Christ.  What is a personal relationship, you may wonder, it is simply seeing your sins and knowing you need someone to save you from them, not making excuses for them, knowing in your heart of heart you were created for more than this.  And then realize that Jesus loved you so much he gave his life for you and asking him to remove the shame from your life so you can live a life that you were made to live.  It is replacing the lies Satan tells you about yourself... you are worthless, no one will ever love you, even if they do they will use you and leave you... or whatever recordings you have playing in your mind and then replacing them with the truth found in the bible. Jesus said... then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free, He said I am the way the truth and the life no one comes to the Father except through me. He doesn't force religion on you, he gives everyone free will... but for me I had seen the results of my free will, it lead me to pit of destruction, had God not intervened I would not be here today. The walk of a true Christian is not one who pretends to be without sin, but it is a life of a person who is not ashamed to share the depth of their sins with others, in order to show them where they found the help they needed to live a life that has been changed by no one other than Jesus. May I never get so far away from my sins that I forget how much the weight of their bondage held me in position that I no longer could go on living the way I was... without Jesus I would not be here today. May I never get to a point in my life that I forget that feeling and look down on others who are stuck in the deep pit of sin living a life of hopelessness, may I always have the courage to point them in the direction of Christ from whom set me free from a pit of depression and gave me a reason to live. This is why I have such a passion to share a living hope with others, I am unashamed to wear the title of Jesus Freak if you had someone save you, you too would be over the top in love with them as well. I am a Christian not a religious fanatic one that is driven by a relationship that lead to freedom not a list of rules.

My dear sweet Aunt Mickey

As I lay here tonight, getting ready to drift off to sleep, the warmth of our room and the gentle breeze from our ceiling fan caused a flood of memories to come rushing in, ones I often keep suppressed because it pains me to feel the longing I have for my dear sweet Aunt Mickey.  It brought back to mind the many nights we spent with them in their North Carolina home...my Great Aunt has been more like another Grandma to me, and for years my family and I made multiple trips each year to go see her and my Uncle Gene. Tears streamed down my face as I thought back to the many stories of her childhood on the farm with her beloved sister Alice Anne, my Grandma... I thought of the love she and my Uncle Gene shared, and the countless stories she told of the years they spent raising their family and the trips she and my Uncle had been on. Anyone who knows my Aunt Mickey knew the love she had for telling stories of the past, bringing life back through those dear sweet memories.  Stories I will never hear again on this side of heaven... for the past several years she has been frozen in time, trapped by a disease that viciously steals all traces of who that person was.  I now go to visit her for my sake, for she has forgotten who I am, that I can seem to handle.  It was hard when a few short years ago she began to forget names and seeing the hurt on our son Jesse's face when she was unable to remember his name, he bravely said, "Its okay mom." Last year when we went for a visit, she looked up at Jesse, as we brought him in, and joyfully shouted, "Well Son Of A Gun!", as she saw him and then the moment was gone.  What a gift that was to Jesse, if even it only lasted a moment!  I think the hardest thing though is to watch as my Uncle Gene slowly loses his best friend and soul mate, and the sense of loss he must feel.  I find myself grieving her more on this side of heaven, than if she was actually in heaven...knowing that once she is called home, she will be healed and restored, Hallelujah! I long most for this moment for her to be set free from all of life's hardships.  Even in the midst of these feelings of loss, I find hope that God never allows something to happen without a reason for his greater purpose to take place.  I trust in his promise in Romans 8:28 That God will work all things for the good for those who love him and have been called according to his purpose.  That doesn't mean that everything that happens to us will feel good as it is happening but in the end will be used for good.  Even though this disease has stolen so much from my dear sweet Aunt Mickey, it hasn't stolen her ability to feel love.  When my husband and I visited her in January she held our hands and knew we were people who loved her dearly.  Even if that passes by too, one thing it can not steal is the spirit of God which resides in her heart, for God promises never will he leave us or forsake us.  So until he calls her home I will hold tight to these truths and lovingly await the day when we are reunited in heaven so I can sit with her again and hear those beautiful stories once again.

When life seems hard...we are not alone

Many of us have no idea what a truly hard life may look like. The idea of watching your child suffer seems inconceivable and we all pray we never out live our children.  I think how it must feel to live in a third world country and not have the means to care for your child and how awful it would be to watch them starve.  Or to see your child suffering from an illness they say has no cure.  And then there is our story, one where they tell you the statistics your child's life faces and I have had the blessing of watching as our daughter continues to defy "their" statistics.  I have had the chance to witness to the doctors and tell them our God holds the days of our daughter's life in his hands, not you.  She is not some number on a chart, a graph is not going to define her life, or ruin the plans God already has for her. We have an all knowing God, one with purpose and reason, one that has a far bigger picture than we could ever imagine.  Life can be hard, don't miss understand me, but those who have Christ know, we are not alone. This is not our home, we were made for so much more.  We face hardships, we get broken hearted, we cry, we make mistakes, but we have a God that loves us in our weaknesses, and holds us in our brokenness, and heals us from the inside out.  Sometimes the miracle we are searching for is found in the disease and suffering... when you are down to nothing that is when you are closest to God, and that is when you find this world is unable to satisfy, that we are here only temporarily and God has a bigger plan for us. As any parent who has a child in need of a miracle, we of course pray for that, but we have peace in the knowledge that for those who have trusted in Christ we have life beyond this world: one where there is no sickness, no sadness, and no suffering. A miracle on earth no matter how big it is, is still just a temporary healing, on average we have 70, 80, 90, or 100+ years but for those who have asked Christ into their lives you know this is not all that there is. I take comfort in knowing that there are no premature deaths that God had all of our days planned before the foundation of the world so no disease has the pleasure of stealing my loved ones before God says our time is up.  No one knows for sure if we will be here tomorrow, but I do know if I am not, where I will be headed. Do you?

The struggle for freedom

I have been stuck in a rut.  I feel trapped or in an endless maze where I keep running into the same dead ends.  The things I struggle with seem never ending and repetitive.  I keep making the same bad choices and then I wonder why I don't get different results.  How I wish I didn't have a self- destructive behavior disorder. (You know the type... we know when we are doing something, it is dumb, yet we feel compelled to do it anyways... that's me) I long for true freedom. I know I am forgiven, dearly loved, and a valued child of God.  However the weight of my sins, at times, hangs heavy around my neck.  I set the chains down long enough to feel what freedom might feel like. Then before I know it I am wrapping those chains tighter than before, around me like a security blanket. Jesus, take these burdens you've freed me from, allow me to see I was never meant to carry these burdens... it is not you that taunts me with my past, present, or future struggles...but rather the enemy disguised in a cloak of righteousness, making me feel dirty and ashamed.  When I turned to you for forgiveness, you wiped the slate clean, cleansed me, and made me whiter than snow.  You brushed the ashes of shame and guilt from my head, and put in their place a crown of beauty and splendor.  You call me child of the one true king, and removed the guilty verdict so I may lift my head in confidence that I am one of yours.  Though I may slip and stumble, you never leave my side, your hand is forever outstretched before me, ready to grasp me and pull me back to safety.  Let me never forget the power of your freeing love and mercy, of which I can not earn, but only can receive.  Amen

Destroyed from the inside out

Nothing destroys a person from the inside more than the root of bitterness.  It eats away at a person until the sweetness that was once there is dissolved and but a memory. Anger is a fire that can be used for good, but if left unchecked and not properly contained and dealt with, it can destroy and consume you.  You may wonder how anger can be used for good... it can help you to stand up and be a voice for the helpless, the abused, the poor. It can on the other hand divide families, cause divorces, and leave a person so bitter nothing seems to reach them.  So how do you balance the two?  I learned by reading a book called Overcoming Emotions That Destroy, by Chip Ingram, that anger is a secondary emotion, usually the result of an unmet need, unmet expectation, or hurt feelings.  It's important to identify the root of the problem and then find the most appropriate way to address it from there.  Communication is key, believe it or not other people can't read your mind and most of the time are clueless to why they have upset you, or that you are even upset at all. Second... deal with your emotions in a healthy manner, don't vomit your anger on other people, don't leak it through sarcastic comments, and don't stuff it inside and pretend you don't have problems (we all do!) Identify it, address it, move forward. Learn you don't need an apology to move forward, sometimes just saying a prayer for someone is about as freeing as hearing the words I am sorry.

Life Can Be A Whrilwind

Life is a whirlwind of emotions, if left unchecked our emotions can start to control us, dominate our personalities, and leave us in a tailspin.  As I have grown in my walk with God I have noticed how important it is for me to stay connected to him on a daily basis, otherwise I allow my out of control emotions to rule over me.  Years ago I would wake up feeling depressed and allow that feeling  to dictate how the rest of my day would go.  The funny thing about emotions is they can lie to you and lead you astray from God's path and purpose for your life. They can steal the joy of the present and keep us locked in our past.  The bible says the heart is deceitful above all else Jer. 17:9 so I have learned to guard my heart and align my thoughts with the word of God. This one key alone has saved me from feeling out of control in the ups and downs of life.  It has given me a new focus and passion to share with others the key to joy and happiness.  To keep a thankful heart, full of love, and to rely on what God says about me, because He, unlike my emotions is unchanging and His love for me is unfailing.