Refrain
There is so much freedom attached to the word. When we refrain from things that can cause us to engage in negative behaviors, in our lives we often find a new level of peace attached to what may feel unbearable, even painful at times, in the beginning of the process of learning how to refrain from such behaviors. However if this area is given enough discipline over the course of time we can relearn a beautiful lesson we might have missed if we had not made the choice to refrain from the negative behavior, to begin with. For instance if we make the deliberate choice to refrain from speaking negatively about others. It may feel painful at first to let that terrible old habit go, after all, how will your friends receive you if you decide when they start to fill you in on the latest gossip; you interrupt them by saying actually let’s talk about something else because this is an area that the Lord and I are working on together in my life and I have decided to no longer gossip about others. True, the friend might be slightly offended, feeling a slight twinge of guilt that you may also be implying that they too should join the bandwagon. However what the Lord is showing you is more important than the small amount of rejection you may receive from others, and the fruit it will produce in your life, will speak volumes when your friends start to notice the change inside your heart. Your example of refraining and being obedient to what God is calling you to address in your own life, could very well cause a ripple effect as the seeds you sow into other’s hearts will often produce an abundant harvest.
Friday, May 8, 2020
Friday, May 1, 2020
A peace that surpasses all understanding
A peace that surpasses all understanding in uncertain times...
6’ apart and face masks are terms that are sweeping across the world as this world wide pandemic has ignited these past few months and has just started here in the US over the past few weeks. Fear and worry of the unknown has spread like wildfire and yet I have felt a peace unlike any before, through it all. A peace that truly surpasses all understanding and I wanted to share why.
For many people 6’ feet apart, self quarantine, or having to wear masks are new concepts of trying to keep yourself and the ones you love germ free... however for the past 11 years this has been a reality for our family, maybe not to the full extent that the world is experiencing it right now, but in many ways we have lived this and maybe this is why I have peace now, because God has taught me something through our own personal journey, and I thought by sharing our story it may help others too.
The fear of not knowing who is sick and carrying the virus has resulted in the recommendation of social distancing and remaining 6’ apart in public to slow the spread of the coronavirus. This has been a way of living for us not because of the virus but because our daughter has chronic disease called cystic fibrosis... a disease in which they can transfer bacteria to each other that can cause lung damage and so as a result the doctors recommend all CF patients to social distance and remain 6’ apart. In fact CF patients are recommended not to have any interaction at all. Appointments result in wearing masks in the hope that bacteria is not spread through the air so that their lung function may be preserved. As her mom I frantically try my best to keep her healthy and to protect her from invisible bacteria that could be anywhere because many CF patients look perfectly normal and show no visual signs that they have it outwardly and so when we are shopping, or at restaurants, or playgrounds, or on vacations... I really have no idea who she is in contact with that may have it as well. As a result I’ve been unknowingly fearful to the point where it almost completely paralyzed me. I had panic attacks that made me feel like I was having a heart attack, and had fear so strong my whole body literally went numb. I’ve shook uncontrollably like I was freezing to death. Fear has literally made me sick and even worse as a strong
Jesus loving Christian I have felt like an utter and total failure because of my lack of faith. As a result I wore a mask for a long time because I didn’t want my kids or my family to know how truly scared I was. I’m strong in so many areas but if Satan wanted to hurt me one of the few ways to do it would be through my children, so when I felt powerless as to how to fully protect her, it left me wide open for an enemy attack. Maybe perhaps some of you are feeling these same fears I was...
Thoughts like...
How are you going to provide for your families and pay your bills while being out of work? What if you get this virus or infect others with it? I wonder who I know will die from this? I know so many people that fit into the vulnerable or compromised health category and it’s natural to be concerned but don’t let fear rule your life like I did. A few years ago I had a dream that God used to really help set me free. In the dream our daughter was playing at a playground and as young kids often do, she had made a best friend instantly with a little girl there. It was so innocent and pure, they were laughing and having the time of their lives, the next thing I seen them share a drink and the little girl started coughing and her mom turned to me and said she had CF and in a moment everything I had worked so hard to protect her from came crashing down around me. I woke up in a panic with my heart pounding as I realized as much I love my baby girl I cannot protect her from everything. As much as I wanted to think I could control or protect her I’m not in control. God spoke so tenderly to me that night. He showed me I was trying to be something for our beautiful girl that he never called me to be... I was trying, unknowingly, to be her savior and it was destroying me. All the fear of the unknown, all of the what if’s, all of the false sense of control was leaving me in a tale-spin, as I was trying to protect her from invisible germs. Only Jesus can fulfill that role in her life and be her savior, no matter how much I want to protect her, that was simply beyond my control. In that moment much like Abraham had to do with his beloved son Isaac, trusting that God had a bigger purpose for him and would come through, I laid her at his feet and surrendered my control of her life and trusted that God loved her more than I ever possibly could and trusted that he can see the whole picture, so come what may he knows what is best for her, and for all of us. In that dream I realized I could never fully protect my daughter no matter how much I wanted to, or how pure my motives are and I had to trust that only Jesus can be her one true savior. Only God knows the number of her days for they were written in the book of life before one of them came to be. See Psalm 139:16
No amount of worry can add a single hour to her life. See Matthew 6:27.
So when this virus swept the world by surprise God’s peace had already done such a work in my life that I know from years of him showing me, He’s got her, and I can let go of my control and trust in His plans, and I really and truly have a peace that surpasses all understanding that will GUARD my heart and my mind. See Philippians 4:6-7 It’s not that I don’t understand the severity of the situation at hand but rather my heart and mind is washed in God’s peace in knowing that he is faithful, he is who he says he is, and he is in control come whatever may unfold from this pandemic, we as believers in Christ have an advantage, we know the end of our story here is not the end of the story... amen! Jesus said “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
Yes, God does give us wisdom. I always tell people when explaining our situation with our daughter... do you buckle your little kids in a car seat or do you just throw them in the car unbuckled and say God has them? To some extent we all try to protect our kids through wisdom and car seats but ultimately God has us. So during this time use Godly wisdom but don’t allow fear to creep in and take control.
One last thing I want to touch on that forever changed how I pray... when our daughter was little every night I’d pray and sing over her for God to heal her, and one night he so tenderly spoke to my mama heart and said to me, “You know you pray more for her physical healing than her salvation which one will last longer?” I believe God can heal but I also believe he can use what even the devil means for harm in our lives for his greater good. I believe it with every ounce within me that no sickness or disease that shall ever befall upon us will ever have the pleasure of stealing one of our days that God has planned for us and that God will not call us home until his purpose for our lives is complete in him. May God’s peace protect you and always remember 2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
May God’s voice in your life be louder than your fears. Because his perfect love drives out fear.
Monday, March 16, 2020
The Promise Keeper
There was a line in the movie I Still Believe that really hit home, Jeremy Camp was promising his wife that she would get well again and she said, “Stop making promises that aren’t yours to make.” Those words cut me to the core and I thought how true those words truly are. In spite of everything going on with the coronavirus we so desperately want that promise to be true in the lives of those we love. We want to promise them they will be protected, we want to promise them that if they get sick they will get well, or that we’d do everything in our power to protect their health... and even if you do everything that is recommended 100% there is still a chance they could get it. It is causing fear, panic, and distress... and yet I have a peace that surpasses all understanding; not because I’m in denial that this is very real and that many have died from it, I have peace because I know who is in control of all things, and I cling to his promises. I cling to the hope found in the word of God... “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4: 6-7. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this life here is temporal but there will be a day when God will wipe every tear from our eyes. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true. Revelation 21 4-5
I know as much as I love my family, as much as I want to protect them from harm, sickness, and disease... I am not the promise keeper. No matter how much I want to rescue them from an unknown future, I was not put here on this earth to be their savior... ONLY JESUS can do that for them. I know the one whom my faith and hope is secure in, and I can only lead others to him. I’m not afraid or what the future holds because I know he holds my future, and the future of those I dearly love. In Matthew 6:27 Jesus said "And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?
If all my fears and worry can’t even add a single hour to my life, what good is it? Fear destroys a whole lot more than sickness ever will. 2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV says “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” This is my prayer that we will turn every worry over to God and say I trust in you Lord and your promises and I believe that you will work all things together for our good of those who love you, who have been called according to your purpose. Not that all things will feel good, but rather, so that we may be more like you in the end. I thank you Jesus that you are strong where I am weak, and I trust in the plans you have for my life and the lives of those I love. I surrender my fears, and all the things that are beyond my control and I pray that your peace will guard our hearts and minds in these troubled times. Amen.
I know as much as I love my family, as much as I want to protect them from harm, sickness, and disease... I am not the promise keeper. No matter how much I want to rescue them from an unknown future, I was not put here on this earth to be their savior... ONLY JESUS can do that for them. I know the one whom my faith and hope is secure in, and I can only lead others to him. I’m not afraid or what the future holds because I know he holds my future, and the future of those I dearly love. In Matthew 6:27 Jesus said "And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?
If all my fears and worry can’t even add a single hour to my life, what good is it? Fear destroys a whole lot more than sickness ever will. 2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV says “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” This is my prayer that we will turn every worry over to God and say I trust in you Lord and your promises and I believe that you will work all things together for our good of those who love you, who have been called according to your purpose. Not that all things will feel good, but rather, so that we may be more like you in the end. I thank you Jesus that you are strong where I am weak, and I trust in the plans you have for my life and the lives of those I love. I surrender my fears, and all the things that are beyond my control and I pray that your peace will guard our hearts and minds in these troubled times. Amen.
Friday, March 13, 2020
Jesus is the cure...
This is heavy on my heart and I feel God wants me to share this. He has a plan for our lives and the lives of those we love. I love scripture and so many promises we can cling to, but SO many can be taken out of context and twisted giving us a false sense of security and hope... never does it say we will not suffer or that we will never endure hardships and loss. That’s a heavy message right... but here is the good news. Jesus said “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 Listen a lot of people that love Jesus and cling to bible verses, and serve his kingdom faithfully... still die every single day, from what looks like, to the world, as unanswered prayers... or from cancer or disease or hate crimes, or martyrdom... does that mean their faith was weak or that they didn’t have the right scripture to fight with? Of course not! Does it mean they lost favor with God or did something in their past that prevented the Lord from answering their prayers? Absolutely not! Listen when you build your faith on the principle that God will answer your prayers the way you want instead of having the understanding that we present our requests to God with the understanding that his ways are higher than our own... you’ll be on shaky ground and your faith will come crashing down if he answers your prayers differently than what your heart’s desire was. He is a God of answered prayers but he already sent us the cure for every sickness and every disaster under heaven and his name is Jesus Christ. Nothing can over take you not even death itself if you surrender your life to him. He may choose to heal our bodies temporarily from earth’s sickness and disease or he may choose to restore our bodies where nothing can touch them ever again... but either way he is a God that loves us no matter what. Years ago when I was praying for healing over my child... God spoke to my heart and said ever so gently to me, “You pray more for her physical healing than her salvation which one will last longer?” And from that day forward it changed forever how I prayed. He is a God of healing but even more he’s a God that offers us so much more through Jesus... he offers us salvation, because our earthly bodies will tire and pass away but our eternal hope is secure in him.
Thursday, August 22, 2019
What defines true beauty?
Am I beautiful no matter what my size is?
That’s a question I’ve wrestled with ever since I had my first child. Thinking when I left the hospital, weighing 155, I was a monster of a size and felt like an obese person! That is a lie I seriously felt and believed, now seeing how ridiculous it sounds and now would give anything to return to that size. I never truly appreciated my size at 110, still wearing a baggy tee shirt over my bath suit for fear someone may see my true form. Now cringing when I hear someone carelessly telling me he’s a big guy around 200 lbs... knowing I’m on the upward side of 235. Wondering what words they use to describe me when I’m not in their presence? At the same time reminding myself that I truly feel bad for people when they see only size and not the true content of a person’s soul to define true worth or beauty. All the while still longing for something I never truly appreciated even when I had it. As if happiness can be found in a magical size most women wish they could be. If that is how I define beautiful then I’m in real trouble and so are the little lives I’m in charge of shaping. So many of us fall prey to our own insecurities and buy lies as truth. The world tricks us into thinking beauty is found in the youthful taut skin; causing many to seek forms to tighten or shrink problem areas. Or even more heartbreaking are the filter apps being used to cover what we may see as imperfections... causing many people to live behind a facade; thinking that the fake versions are prettier than the real version, wrinkles and all. Many fear looking at the scale let alone writing it down where others potentially may read and mock you. I find comfort in knowing the number doesn’t define my worth or my value, it is an indicator of my health and that is the reason I wrestle so much with its current predicament. I know that the number 236 doesn’t make my family or closest friends love me any less so why should that allow myself to hate the person staring back at me in the mirror? I know I have my critics and I’m sure some former classmates remember the skinny, anorexic girl from high school. Literally starving myself to play a part. Secretly hoping if I reached a desired size I would find love and acceptance I desperately desired. When seeing someone from my past I often want to beat their wondering minds to the chase and say “Hi I got off drugs and switched to food!” I wonder what the response would be? I do desperately want to get healthy again, but somewhere down the line I bought a lie that food was a source of comfort and would help me release some of my anxiety. Now I can have anxiety about being in line for a heart attack or stroke... sorry sarcasm runs rich in my family. Seriously though things like 43% body fat does scare me, so does the thought of saying hey guys I’m going to try this healthy eating lifestyle again, because I fear failure as well. I literally need to look for a health plan designed for failures. After almost every attempt made to get healthy, they’re have been some successes, but nothing has been sustainable for me. I repeatedly cry out for God to remove this, does it mean God doesn’t answer prayer or I’ve done something, other than eat, to deserve this? Absolutely not. I believe God’s timing is perfect and there is something he wants to teach me in the struggle. So my hope in sharing my story is this... be kind to one another. You don’t know what people are struggling with or the weight of the burdens that may be resting on their shoulders. Instead of judging each other based on outward appearances, can we just start loving each other instead and pray that the breakthrough for whatever addiction or stronghold you may be facing would be broken in Jesus’ mighty name!! I don’t hate myself or my size. I hate the addiction and the lie I chose to believe that some how I’d feel better or even safer in a food coma. Your stronghold or addiction may look different than mine but my hope is that you too will uncover the lies that lead you to take an unhealthy action or turn to an unhealthy coping method and that we may find the freedom that Christ died for us to have. And I’ll close with this my sweet friends whether you are walking in victory or still in bondage you are still perfectly loved and preciously chosen by the ONLY one whose opinions about you truly matters and will graciously forgive our biggest most horrible sins... JESUS. Cry out to him for salvation and he will never leave you or mock, you even if the whole world does.
That’s a question I’ve wrestled with ever since I had my first child. Thinking when I left the hospital, weighing 155, I was a monster of a size and felt like an obese person! That is a lie I seriously felt and believed, now seeing how ridiculous it sounds and now would give anything to return to that size. I never truly appreciated my size at 110, still wearing a baggy tee shirt over my bath suit for fear someone may see my true form. Now cringing when I hear someone carelessly telling me he’s a big guy around 200 lbs... knowing I’m on the upward side of 235. Wondering what words they use to describe me when I’m not in their presence? At the same time reminding myself that I truly feel bad for people when they see only size and not the true content of a person’s soul to define true worth or beauty. All the while still longing for something I never truly appreciated even when I had it. As if happiness can be found in a magical size most women wish they could be. If that is how I define beautiful then I’m in real trouble and so are the little lives I’m in charge of shaping. So many of us fall prey to our own insecurities and buy lies as truth. The world tricks us into thinking beauty is found in the youthful taut skin; causing many to seek forms to tighten or shrink problem areas. Or even more heartbreaking are the filter apps being used to cover what we may see as imperfections... causing many people to live behind a facade; thinking that the fake versions are prettier than the real version, wrinkles and all. Many fear looking at the scale let alone writing it down where others potentially may read and mock you. I find comfort in knowing the number doesn’t define my worth or my value, it is an indicator of my health and that is the reason I wrestle so much with its current predicament. I know that the number 236 doesn’t make my family or closest friends love me any less so why should that allow myself to hate the person staring back at me in the mirror? I know I have my critics and I’m sure some former classmates remember the skinny, anorexic girl from high school. Literally starving myself to play a part. Secretly hoping if I reached a desired size I would find love and acceptance I desperately desired. When seeing someone from my past I often want to beat their wondering minds to the chase and say “Hi I got off drugs and switched to food!” I wonder what the response would be? I do desperately want to get healthy again, but somewhere down the line I bought a lie that food was a source of comfort and would help me release some of my anxiety. Now I can have anxiety about being in line for a heart attack or stroke... sorry sarcasm runs rich in my family. Seriously though things like 43% body fat does scare me, so does the thought of saying hey guys I’m going to try this healthy eating lifestyle again, because I fear failure as well. I literally need to look for a health plan designed for failures. After almost every attempt made to get healthy, they’re have been some successes, but nothing has been sustainable for me. I repeatedly cry out for God to remove this, does it mean God doesn’t answer prayer or I’ve done something, other than eat, to deserve this? Absolutely not. I believe God’s timing is perfect and there is something he wants to teach me in the struggle. So my hope in sharing my story is this... be kind to one another. You don’t know what people are struggling with or the weight of the burdens that may be resting on their shoulders. Instead of judging each other based on outward appearances, can we just start loving each other instead and pray that the breakthrough for whatever addiction or stronghold you may be facing would be broken in Jesus’ mighty name!! I don’t hate myself or my size. I hate the addiction and the lie I chose to believe that some how I’d feel better or even safer in a food coma. Your stronghold or addiction may look different than mine but my hope is that you too will uncover the lies that lead you to take an unhealthy action or turn to an unhealthy coping method and that we may find the freedom that Christ died for us to have. And I’ll close with this my sweet friends whether you are walking in victory or still in bondage you are still perfectly loved and preciously chosen by the ONLY one whose opinions about you truly matters and will graciously forgive our biggest most horrible sins... JESUS. Cry out to him for salvation and he will never leave you or mock, you even if the whole world does.
Wednesday, May 8, 2019
Our Sadie Girl’s Story
Our Sadie Girl’s Story
Raising a child with a life threatening disease, first of all my encouragement to you is to trust that God has a plan for your child that far exceeds the title of the disease at hand. I firmly believe that God has all of our days numbered and that no disease will have the pleasure of taking one day from anyone’s life, this has removed so much fear, knowing that before the world began, God preordained all of our days. See Psalm 139. No disease can have the pleasure of stealing your life’s call and purpose. I believe God wants us to make the most of the time we have been given and in fact each of us has a critical disease we are fighting, it’s called death for most, some of us just get an added name to it along the way, like cancer, or cystic fibrosis. For us the disease has not redefined who our daughter is or what she is able to become, it actually heightened our awareness of how fleeting this life can be and gave us the desire and passion to live each day to its fullest potential. We see a sad epidemic across the USA, families that are missing valuable time together that they will not get back just to further themselves or to achieve nicer things. Our daughters disease blessed us with the ability to see how precious each day truly is and what a gift life is, so many take this for granted and as a result squander precious time with their loved ones. They work tirelessly for material things to give their families a better life when in reality all they really want is you. Memories made together far exceeds any gift you could ever give your children. For us we seize the opportunity to spend time as a family and to teach our kids what is truly important. They have a strong sense that this world is not our home, we are only passing through, to a much better place that God has prepared for us, where death has lost its sting, this is the hope we have because of Jesus. We started a children’s ministry where we teach life changing biblical truth and then equip the kids to become world changers as we serve in our local communities and be the hands and feet of Christ to the lost and hurting world around us. Yes we could focus on the number of days we may have because of the disease but we’ve found that it’s much more effective to focus instead on the life that can fill those days, for everyone of us has a great purpose that only you can fulfill, don’t allow an uncertain future the power to steal a single day.
Raising a child with a life threatening disease, first of all my encouragement to you is to trust that God has a plan for your child that far exceeds the title of the disease at hand. I firmly believe that God has all of our days numbered and that no disease will have the pleasure of taking one day from anyone’s life, this has removed so much fear, knowing that before the world began, God preordained all of our days. See Psalm 139. No disease can have the pleasure of stealing your life’s call and purpose. I believe God wants us to make the most of the time we have been given and in fact each of us has a critical disease we are fighting, it’s called death for most, some of us just get an added name to it along the way, like cancer, or cystic fibrosis. For us the disease has not redefined who our daughter is or what she is able to become, it actually heightened our awareness of how fleeting this life can be and gave us the desire and passion to live each day to its fullest potential. We see a sad epidemic across the USA, families that are missing valuable time together that they will not get back just to further themselves or to achieve nicer things. Our daughters disease blessed us with the ability to see how precious each day truly is and what a gift life is, so many take this for granted and as a result squander precious time with their loved ones. They work tirelessly for material things to give their families a better life when in reality all they really want is you. Memories made together far exceeds any gift you could ever give your children. For us we seize the opportunity to spend time as a family and to teach our kids what is truly important. They have a strong sense that this world is not our home, we are only passing through, to a much better place that God has prepared for us, where death has lost its sting, this is the hope we have because of Jesus. We started a children’s ministry where we teach life changing biblical truth and then equip the kids to become world changers as we serve in our local communities and be the hands and feet of Christ to the lost and hurting world around us. Yes we could focus on the number of days we may have because of the disease but we’ve found that it’s much more effective to focus instead on the life that can fill those days, for everyone of us has a great purpose that only you can fulfill, don’t allow an uncertain future the power to steal a single day.
Sunday, June 24, 2018
Drowning in a sea of my deepest fears
Drowning in a sea of my deepest fears.
Being a parent now a days is tough. There are so many things we can choose to worry about, bullying, the heroin epidemic, disease outbreaks, do vaccines help do they kill, school shootings, terrorism... the list is endless. Couple that with having a child with an incurable disease you have a recipe for a war with anxiety that tried to destroy me. However, this mama is not going to let that win in my life. It tried and many times stole my peace and robbed me of my joy. For the past 6 years the war was raging within sometimes almost to the point of literally feeling paralyzed. I’ve had my entire body go numb where I felt unable to move frozen literally in my fears. I’ve had my heartbeat so fast I thought I was having a heart attack. I’ve shook uncontrollably as though I was freezing to death. I’ve had moments where I was at complete peace and then one second later, literally had fear rush in like a flood it took my breath away and I thought my knees would give out. I have had a fake smile, a brave smile... the one that fools everyone around me into thinking she has it all together, when really my world was literally coming undone. I’ve felt like a small child curled up in a corner needing a father to swoop in and say, hush child it’s okay, everything is going to be okay.
A turning point: Needing a miracle...
When Sadie was first diagnosed (9 years ago)with CF, I’d pray over her for a miracle and one night as I was praying God tenderly and compassionately spoke to my heart and said, “You pray more about her physical healing than you do for her salvation, which will last longer?” You see I do believe God can heal, but the point he was showing me is all of our bodies will eventually give out... however, salvation, that will last for all of eternity!
I was at a bible study about 2 years ago and Carol had said if you could ask God for any miracle, what would it be? Instantly I thought of Sadie’s Cystic Fibrosis, but as I prayed for God to show me what I should ask for... he spoke to my heart and said I need to be set free from fear and to trust him. You see there will always be something to be afraid of, but when we learn to trust God and his promises and put our hope that someday all this shall pass and start living for eternity everything else will not have as strong of a hold on your heart. Most of the things I worry about, I really have no power over, most of the things I fear may happen have not happened. I needed to learn to trust that God has a plan and he will work all things together for good for those who love him and are called according to his purpose. It doesn’t mean everything that happens will feel good, just like working out... it hurts in the beginning but as your muscles develop you get stronger and have more endurance and it produces great physical health. We too are being strengthened by God to be in great spiritual health.
Life is still messy, it’s still so unpredictable and frightening. So much of it, is out of my hands to fix, make better, or control but God still is in complete control, that gives my heart peace. Sadie’s health is something I constantly worried about how to keep her safe and protected. To put it in terms most people can relate to, Do you buckle your kids in the car or just say what will be will be? We all try to some degree to protect our kids whether it be their health, or their safety, or sometimes both. I knew God has every single day of her life written and recorded before one of them even came to be. I knew for who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life! I trusted that God has plans for Sadie’s future not to harm her but to prosper her and give her hope and a purpose for her future. Yet what I struggled with is, Lord how much are we as parents, supposed to guard and protect and keep safe? Where is the line of God has our children in his safety and our responsibilities as parents supposed to meet? Lord I know you are the keeper of all of my children’s days, help me to know my role.
The battle that lead me to surrender: Worn out, beat down and exhausted.
I had a dream last spring that woke me up in a panic. In my dream Sadie was at a playground having the time of her life playing with a little girl. They were sharing a drink and the little girl had a coughing spell and her mother turned to me and shared this little girl had CF. I awoke in an absolute panic. You see Cf patients can carry a bacteria that is only harmful to other cf patients. God used that dream to open my eyes to the fact that I cannot do for Sadie what only he can do. I was trying to be her protector, even a savior so to speak and ONLY HE himself can do that job. I can’t no matter how much I want to protect her from a unseen future, but God knows her future and the future of all my children. I have to trust his flawless love for them will lead them and guide them and that he has them in his care just as he has me in his care.
My surrender:
I seen a Beth Moore teaching on Anxiety and she said the thing you fear the most is the thing you trust God with the least. Sometimes we have some area in our lives we just feel like, “I don’t know if you’ll get this one thing right in my life Lord.” Ouch that hurts. I needed to learn what trusting God completely looks like and trust that he loves my kids more completely than I ever could. And as painful as this life can be it’s fleeting and passes us by ever so quickly. The pain and suffering we endure here in this lifetime will cease to exist in our next life in heaven.
Victory in Christ:
I remember saying to my friend I want freedom from this battle, I don’t want to take anxiety medicine and mask the symptoms or make me numb or despondent. I want to get to the heart of the issue and dig the root out, not only for my freedom but so my kids can walk out their lives in victory in this area of captivity as well. For me the battle was so much more than just for my own freedom... I want my kids set free as well. I want them to be brave and bold and go where ever God calls them to go and to serve him fearlessly. I want them to be mighty warrriors, not defined by their struggles in life but strengthened by the victories God gives to them. I want them to know beyond a shadow of a doubt I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength! Through Christ they will be victorious.
The key to this change of heart and mindset...
First talk about it, it sheds light on the dark areas and sets you free. Meeting with my pastor and close godly Council to pray was a huge turning point. Asking close Christian friends to pray for me. Using God’s word to take every thought captive and aligning it with the word of God was a game changer. Verses like For God does not give us a spirit of fear but of power, of love, and a sound mind. Became weapons of warfare. Keeping a close check on my thoughts was key to winning the war! Any time a thought enters in if it is fear provoking I surrender it immediately to the authority of God and say to myself “My God is in control and I trust in him!” Stepping out of the boat in the sea of my fears and watching as God parts the waters before me has made me feel free again. I am forever grateful. I often wondered what would be worse my battle with depression or anxiety? It was by far worse struggling with anxiety. My battle with depression in my late teens and early twenties was more to do with myself and my self worth. My battle with anxiety was fearing for my kids safety and protection, and as any mama would agree we’d do anything for our kids, so that was by far a harder struggle. Trusting their lives, their futures, their salvation in the only one that can keep them protected has been the most freeing decision I have ever made. Believing in God’s promises had been key to my freedom from my captivity to fear.
Being a parent now a days is tough. There are so many things we can choose to worry about, bullying, the heroin epidemic, disease outbreaks, do vaccines help do they kill, school shootings, terrorism... the list is endless. Couple that with having a child with an incurable disease you have a recipe for a war with anxiety that tried to destroy me. However, this mama is not going to let that win in my life. It tried and many times stole my peace and robbed me of my joy. For the past 6 years the war was raging within sometimes almost to the point of literally feeling paralyzed. I’ve had my entire body go numb where I felt unable to move frozen literally in my fears. I’ve had my heartbeat so fast I thought I was having a heart attack. I’ve shook uncontrollably as though I was freezing to death. I’ve had moments where I was at complete peace and then one second later, literally had fear rush in like a flood it took my breath away and I thought my knees would give out. I have had a fake smile, a brave smile... the one that fools everyone around me into thinking she has it all together, when really my world was literally coming undone. I’ve felt like a small child curled up in a corner needing a father to swoop in and say, hush child it’s okay, everything is going to be okay.
A turning point: Needing a miracle...
When Sadie was first diagnosed (9 years ago)with CF, I’d pray over her for a miracle and one night as I was praying God tenderly and compassionately spoke to my heart and said, “You pray more about her physical healing than you do for her salvation, which will last longer?” You see I do believe God can heal, but the point he was showing me is all of our bodies will eventually give out... however, salvation, that will last for all of eternity!
I was at a bible study about 2 years ago and Carol had said if you could ask God for any miracle, what would it be? Instantly I thought of Sadie’s Cystic Fibrosis, but as I prayed for God to show me what I should ask for... he spoke to my heart and said I need to be set free from fear and to trust him. You see there will always be something to be afraid of, but when we learn to trust God and his promises and put our hope that someday all this shall pass and start living for eternity everything else will not have as strong of a hold on your heart. Most of the things I worry about, I really have no power over, most of the things I fear may happen have not happened. I needed to learn to trust that God has a plan and he will work all things together for good for those who love him and are called according to his purpose. It doesn’t mean everything that happens will feel good, just like working out... it hurts in the beginning but as your muscles develop you get stronger and have more endurance and it produces great physical health. We too are being strengthened by God to be in great spiritual health.
Life is still messy, it’s still so unpredictable and frightening. So much of it, is out of my hands to fix, make better, or control but God still is in complete control, that gives my heart peace. Sadie’s health is something I constantly worried about how to keep her safe and protected. To put it in terms most people can relate to, Do you buckle your kids in the car or just say what will be will be? We all try to some degree to protect our kids whether it be their health, or their safety, or sometimes both. I knew God has every single day of her life written and recorded before one of them even came to be. I knew for who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life! I trusted that God has plans for Sadie’s future not to harm her but to prosper her and give her hope and a purpose for her future. Yet what I struggled with is, Lord how much are we as parents, supposed to guard and protect and keep safe? Where is the line of God has our children in his safety and our responsibilities as parents supposed to meet? Lord I know you are the keeper of all of my children’s days, help me to know my role.
The battle that lead me to surrender: Worn out, beat down and exhausted.
I had a dream last spring that woke me up in a panic. In my dream Sadie was at a playground having the time of her life playing with a little girl. They were sharing a drink and the little girl had a coughing spell and her mother turned to me and shared this little girl had CF. I awoke in an absolute panic. You see Cf patients can carry a bacteria that is only harmful to other cf patients. God used that dream to open my eyes to the fact that I cannot do for Sadie what only he can do. I was trying to be her protector, even a savior so to speak and ONLY HE himself can do that job. I can’t no matter how much I want to protect her from a unseen future, but God knows her future and the future of all my children. I have to trust his flawless love for them will lead them and guide them and that he has them in his care just as he has me in his care.
My surrender:
I seen a Beth Moore teaching on Anxiety and she said the thing you fear the most is the thing you trust God with the least. Sometimes we have some area in our lives we just feel like, “I don’t know if you’ll get this one thing right in my life Lord.” Ouch that hurts. I needed to learn what trusting God completely looks like and trust that he loves my kids more completely than I ever could. And as painful as this life can be it’s fleeting and passes us by ever so quickly. The pain and suffering we endure here in this lifetime will cease to exist in our next life in heaven.
Victory in Christ:
I remember saying to my friend I want freedom from this battle, I don’t want to take anxiety medicine and mask the symptoms or make me numb or despondent. I want to get to the heart of the issue and dig the root out, not only for my freedom but so my kids can walk out their lives in victory in this area of captivity as well. For me the battle was so much more than just for my own freedom... I want my kids set free as well. I want them to be brave and bold and go where ever God calls them to go and to serve him fearlessly. I want them to be mighty warrriors, not defined by their struggles in life but strengthened by the victories God gives to them. I want them to know beyond a shadow of a doubt I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength! Through Christ they will be victorious.
The key to this change of heart and mindset...
First talk about it, it sheds light on the dark areas and sets you free. Meeting with my pastor and close godly Council to pray was a huge turning point. Asking close Christian friends to pray for me. Using God’s word to take every thought captive and aligning it with the word of God was a game changer. Verses like For God does not give us a spirit of fear but of power, of love, and a sound mind. Became weapons of warfare. Keeping a close check on my thoughts was key to winning the war! Any time a thought enters in if it is fear provoking I surrender it immediately to the authority of God and say to myself “My God is in control and I trust in him!” Stepping out of the boat in the sea of my fears and watching as God parts the waters before me has made me feel free again. I am forever grateful. I often wondered what would be worse my battle with depression or anxiety? It was by far worse struggling with anxiety. My battle with depression in my late teens and early twenties was more to do with myself and my self worth. My battle with anxiety was fearing for my kids safety and protection, and as any mama would agree we’d do anything for our kids, so that was by far a harder struggle. Trusting their lives, their futures, their salvation in the only one that can keep them protected has been the most freeing decision I have ever made. Believing in God’s promises had been key to my freedom from my captivity to fear.
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